Gentle Tears on Pillow Cases

Isn't it amazing when someone can make a gorgeous picture? Or write a lovely poem? Or even sing a song. Certain words laced together can feel like a fine silk running through your being. Whenever I make something, that I'm really proud of, it feels right. And it makes the people who see it feel right too. All the people that we remember from history are famous for simply pointing out the obvious. Maybe one day people will remember me for pointing out things that everyone feels, but has a hard time finding the words to describe. Or maybe I'll just die a silent death, and no one will remember the girl on the other end of this screen, putting her being out for all to see. Or maybe I'll simply disappear, leaving nothing. Nothing but gentle tears on pillow cases.

Alone?

I know that no one has joined my blog yet. I mean, who wants to hear a teenager rant right? Maybe this is really like a diary... A diary that's public. I can't even explain how good this blog makes me feel though, even if no one's read it. It's kinda like when I play my guitar, or paint, or write. It makes me feel better. Even on the worst days when I have to go to court and face Monster, it makes me feel more... I don't know... More human I guess. Less alone, even though I am completely alone.

Diffrent

I think differently. Plus I spend large amounts of time thinking. I think that's why I don't sleep. I stare up and the ceiling that is too dark to see clearly and I think. I have imaginary conversations with people that have hurt me. I replay arguments and think of what I should have said and didn't, or things I said and shouldn't. I don't really know why I do this, I try not to. It hurts to think about those things. My nightmares are getting worse. I'm scared. I had a nightmare last night that one of my friends got hurt because of me, and went to the hospital. I found out that he got sick and went to the hospital last night. Interesting how that works out. My mind is completely fried from lack of sleep and not enough food. I've been getting sick more often. I have a doctors appointment after we get back from Texas, but I wonder if that's soon enough to save my brain from unraveling for good.

Merry L8 Christmas :D

Well, I hope all y'all had a great Christmas :D. Sense my sister is leaving for collage soon, I wanted to get her something memorable. So I got her an ipod touch. I put in in a huge box too ^_^. So my mom, sister, and me all got ipod touches :D. So, what been on my mind lately is... Well... Just life in general. I've deduced that life is good, but only if you let it be. I could walk around moping saying "poor me! I'm a rape victim! Wahhhh!" but that's not the way I want to live. I want to live life life with passion! There's this lady at Subway, and every time I go in there, shes singing at the top of her lungs and making people sandwiches. She could be all mopey and have a poor me, Subway sucks, attitude, but shes super happy with where she is. Also, there's this guy who stands dancing, playing a cardboard guitar with the Little Ceasers logo on it. But anyone can see that he is genuinely happy. Life's so good, but only if you let it be good.

Factoid!

Here's a little factoid about me. I spend an unhealthy amount of time daydreaming... About prince charming. I know, shocker. When I was 12 year old, at church camp (oki, I don't know where you stand with spiritual stuff, but I swear what I'm saying is true) I felt God tell me about this super amazing guy. He would be smart, and love me for me. And he told me that it was uber important to keep my purity. So as a 12 year old, you can imagine how completely stoked I was to meet this guy. I wrote about him, and I drew him (not bad pictures either :P). But then, I decided to be stupid. I snuck out one night, and now I'm charging one of my best friends for rape. Figures. Well, no prince charming for Starla... right? Maybe.

So I'm what people need me to be. People need someone that seems completely convinced that God's really there. That's me. No doubt. But I do doubt. It's hard to be 100% convinced. I think God's there, but I don't know to what extent. People ask me, why it this happening to me? Why is God allowing this? I don't know. I pretend to know, but I don't. Why did God allow me to be raped? Why did God let me cut myself? Why? I don't know. But at this point, maybe it was to help me grow stronger, maybe so I can help people who have been in a somewhat same situation. All we can really do is wait and see what God says.