Existance...

i'm now 17 years old... Honestly, i had practically forgotten about this blog. Today, i started going through my old email account, and i found an email from blogger. Wow... how far have i come in the past two or so years? i believe i've come rather far. i'm not saying i'm fully recovered or anything of that sort... But i'm stronger. And that's all i can really promise. i'm a senior now. All of the court stuff is over now. i've been getting help from a wonderful therapist... I’ve come to terms with what has happened to me. Yes I still have a million unanswered questions, but I know that what has happened has happened for a reason. Perhaps… I’ll breathe some new life into this blog once again...

Romeo

His name is Mike and he's perfect. He thinks I'm the best think that's ever happened to him. I don't want to disappoint him. but I know I will. Once he finds out that I'm not a virgin... He'll never talk to me again. I'm not perfect. I'm NOTHING. Nothing...

I'm trying to rewire myself. And this is why:

"hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I find this rather amusing, the fact that you are being so obsessive that you can't just let me go? haha yeah, that's why i am "trying to kill you". I don't even see how i am trying to kill you, because all i am doing is getting pissed off when you try to talk to me... It's you who is trying to kill you, not me. Just leave me alone, it's that simple. Don't ever ask about me, to alex or anybody, and just forget about me! Can you not get the hint? I don't like you at all!!!!!! And you are just coming off to everybody as a damn lunatic!!!! Just give it up... because i won't ever talk to you again. In fact, cut, i don't give a flying shit. You are just hurting yourself. So have fun with that, crazy person!!!! Goodbye forever!"

It's a message I got from a friend. And I'm just about as clueless as you are.
I don't know what I did.
I don't know what to do.
He was keeping me sane.
Now whats left?
Maybe if I change myself, things will be different.

The Nights...

The nights are the hardest. Just laying there. Afraid to move, afraid to
breath, afraid to make a sound. My eyes open wide. Shadows fleck the
corners of my vision, and I am afraid.
Alone. Shivering even though I'm warm. It's nights like these that make
me want to die. To tear at my own flesh, until I become something
different inside. Something braver. Something stronger. Anything then
what I am.

School?

After TONS of debate, my parents decided it would be best for me to go back to public school. At first I was extremely excited, but now that I know what day I'm going, I'm afraid. I don't know who all are my friends anymore. After word leaked that I was charging a boy (a popular boy with alot of friends) for rape, I got several emails and text messages telling me that I was a whore. I lost my best friend. I lost alot of really close friends. But I'm not angry or upset with them. I understand. Sometimes it's easier to believe that a good friends a liar, than to believe that something that bad can happen. I just need something real to hold onto. Something solid.