Romeo

His name is Mike and he's perfect. He thinks I'm the best think that's ever happened to him. I don't want to disappoint him. but I know I will. Once he finds out that I'm not a virgin... He'll never talk to me again. I'm not perfect. I'm NOTHING. Nothing...

I'm trying to rewire myself. And this is why:

"hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! I find this rather amusing, the fact that you are being so obsessive that you can't just let me go? haha yeah, that's why i am "trying to kill you". I don't even see how i am trying to kill you, because all i am doing is getting pissed off when you try to talk to me... It's you who is trying to kill you, not me. Just leave me alone, it's that simple. Don't ever ask about me, to alex or anybody, and just forget about me! Can you not get the hint? I don't like you at all!!!!!! And you are just coming off to everybody as a damn lunatic!!!! Just give it up... because i won't ever talk to you again. In fact, cut, i don't give a flying shit. You are just hurting yourself. So have fun with that, crazy person!!!! Goodbye forever!"

It's a message I got from a friend. And I'm just about as clueless as you are.
I don't know what I did.
I don't know what to do.
He was keeping me sane.
Now whats left?
Maybe if I change myself, things will be different.

The Nights...

The nights are the hardest. Just laying there. Afraid to move, afraid to
breath, afraid to make a sound. My eyes open wide. Shadows fleck the
corners of my vision, and I am afraid.
Alone. Shivering even though I'm warm. It's nights like these that make
me want to die. To tear at my own flesh, until I become something
different inside. Something braver. Something stronger. Anything then
what I am.

School?

After TONS of debate, my parents decided it would be best for me to go back to public school. At first I was extremely excited, but now that I know what day I'm going, I'm afraid. I don't know who all are my friends anymore. After word leaked that I was charging a boy (a popular boy with alot of friends) for rape, I got several emails and text messages telling me that I was a whore. I lost my best friend. I lost alot of really close friends. But I'm not angry or upset with them. I understand. Sometimes it's easier to believe that a good friends a liar, than to believe that something that bad can happen. I just need something real to hold onto. Something solid.

Gentle Tears on Pillow Cases

Isn't it amazing when someone can make a gorgeous picture? Or write a lovely poem? Or even sing a song. Certain words laced together can feel like a fine silk running through your being. Whenever I make something, that I'm really proud of, it feels right. And it makes the people who see it feel right too. All the people that we remember from history are famous for simply pointing out the obvious. Maybe one day people will remember me for pointing out things that everyone feels, but has a hard time finding the words to describe. Or maybe I'll just die a silent death, and no one will remember the girl on the other end of this screen, putting her being out for all to see. Or maybe I'll simply disappear, leaving nothing. Nothing but gentle tears on pillow cases.

Alone?

I know that no one has joined my blog yet. I mean, who wants to hear a teenager rant right? Maybe this is really like a diary... A diary that's public. I can't even explain how good this blog makes me feel though, even if no one's read it. It's kinda like when I play my guitar, or paint, or write. It makes me feel better. Even on the worst days when I have to go to court and face Monster, it makes me feel more... I don't know... More human I guess. Less alone, even though I am completely alone.

Diffrent

I think differently. Plus I spend large amounts of time thinking. I think that's why I don't sleep. I stare up and the ceiling that is too dark to see clearly and I think. I have imaginary conversations with people that have hurt me. I replay arguments and think of what I should have said and didn't, or things I said and shouldn't. I don't really know why I do this, I try not to. It hurts to think about those things. My nightmares are getting worse. I'm scared. I had a nightmare last night that one of my friends got hurt because of me, and went to the hospital. I found out that he got sick and went to the hospital last night. Interesting how that works out. My mind is completely fried from lack of sleep and not enough food. I've been getting sick more often. I have a doctors appointment after we get back from Texas, but I wonder if that's soon enough to save my brain from unraveling for good.